Saying Goodbye to Summer and to Burnout
Another season come and gone.
For some reason the transition from summer to fall is always a very significant one for me. This spring, my life went through some serious changes. Some of the changes were good, some were for the best, some were sad, some were bad, and some just were. Change is inevitable. I tend to watch the leaves fall and I always think about change, and so, even more so this year, autumn feels so significant.
Change is a funny thing, life has led me down a twisty path my entire life, where I always felt I was pointed in the right direction, but that perhaps my aim was swinging too far left, or too far right. So, in a way, I felt I'd get there, but I just needed to really work on my aim. Then, this last year I felt like my aim was totally confused, it was almost like someone was telling me, "you're aiming in the right direction" and I believed them, but in reality I was turned around and aiming upside down. As in, you know, shooting myself in the foot.
Cashmere and Camo wrote a really great blog called "Surviving Burnout", which focused on what burnout is, and how to take the time to come back from burning yourself out. This year, after three years of really building too it, I burned out rather spectacularly, and as so often in life, you only realize it once you look back. In an almost knee-jerk reaction to five years of trying anything in my power to get to the show pen, I spectacularly walked away from all of it kind of when I was just on the cusp. BUT, nothing was aligning, all the pieces were there, but it was as if each piece was from a similar puzzle, but none of them fit together. I bred Lady and I looked down the black hole of my finances and kind of just went, i've had enough. I looked in the mirror and kept thinking, who is this negative, exhausted, frame of a human? That's not me. This isn't what I want, and I have absolutely no energy to even attempt to get to where I want to be. I'm done.
I own all of it, by the way, I acted the way I did and I put myself in the situations I did. I forgot I had a positive and impactful voice. In that very, very scary moment it was as if the universe gave me a pass and said "here you go, right place, right time." For the first time in my adult life, I coasted without a care, I lived small, I worked and I paid down some debt. For two years I've known what I needed to do to get back on my path, but it required energy I simply didn't have, and so... I just stopped thinking about it. I shelved all of that for a summer, and just... lived. Instead of stressing about showing, stressing about horses, vets, life, I just... didn't. Instead of going to horse shows, I went to the mountains. I slept in a lot, I started taking care of myself more, I put a lot of thought into balance, and even more thought into positive energy. I figured out who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to people to see me. I aimed for that girl, I left the other one behind. I stopped caring about the small and petty things, and I started caring about the big and scary things. If you didn't know, coming out of a burnout phase can be liberating, but it can be really scary. All of a sudden it's like, change is here, accept it and let's roll with it. I was a whole lot kinder and way more patient with myself. It was liberating in a way that I didn't know it could be.
Now, as if a falling leaf can be a massively loud gunshot, fall has arrived and I feel totally re-energized. I feel ready to tackle some massive goals for myself personally, and with my business. A month ago I kind of felt like showing and horses were so far away from me I couldn't even see them, now I realize that nothing is too far away from your grasp. You simply have to align your life with how you aim - what direction am I shooting in, and why? Guess only time will tell.
Jewelery: Lucky Brand
Tank: American Eagle
Jeans: Kimes Ranch Denim